For fucks sake....

I feel like a fucking whale...a sick whale. I haven't gotten my fat fucking ass to the gym in about 2 weeks and have been eating like a pig. And I feel like shit. Damn. Sucks. Gotta get back to it if it kills me.

wtf i feel like crap

I've been so bad with food and lack of exercise the past week or so. And the upshot is that I feel like complete crap. I'm stiff and achy and headachy and tired and nauseated and feel like I can barely walk. Ironic, isn't it? When I exercise less, I end up feeling like I can barely move.

So it's back to the gym today, even though I'm so fucking busy at work that I should really just work through my lunch (like I had to yesterday).

soon fridays will be gym days

But not this Friday, as I have a half day of work today. This is the last Friday of summer hours at work, though, so next Friday will be a gym day again...until next July.

I didn't eat all that great yesterday...it wasn't bad food in itself, but probably just a bit too much of it. I was going to eat just a little, but then husband wanted me to make dinner for him. He had been busy all day doing porjects around the house...I can hardly refuse him when he's been working all day. And so I made some yummy stuff (I'm not a bad cook, if I do say so myself) and couldn't resist. Oh well. And this weekend I'm taking the kids to the fair, so that will be more bad food. Eh, at least there will be a ton of walking around to counteract it.

My sister (the one whose partner killed herself recently) is trying to arrange a working party at her farm/cabin for tomorrow. I know husband and I should go and help out, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by it already. I think she thinks all it will take to make the cabin liveable is a couple days of hard work. But that is what got her in this position in the first place! There is only so much people can do before professionals need to be called in. The cabin has no foundation, pretty much, which is why the floor became a mess of rot and mold. The roof portion of the cabin is patched up half-assed, so I'm sure a ton of water got in that way too. So I'm not sure what we'll do about tomorrow. Plus, I've got my kids, and I hate to have to leave them the whole day...no way am I going to bring them to help. It's such a mess out there that I would worry about their safety.

summer's gone

Summer might be gone, but our pool is still open. The husband and I got in a swim last night. Oh, the joys of having a heated pool. But I'm sure we'll be closing the pool by the end of this month. Always makes me a little sad.

So food the past two days have been pretty good. I didn't keep total track...I've got to get back to that.

Wednesday, I did my over-lunch-hour workout at the gym, 30 minutes on the elliptical and then about 20 minutes on the weight machines, trying to target abs and back. I didn't get to the gym Wednesday after work because the husband and I had some errands to run. Today, I did a yoga class over lunch. I really enjoy yoga. I wish I could find a class as hard as I used to do when I taught yoga...I was in the best shape of my life then and working out only like 3 or 4 times a week...and eating more than I am now. But then I fucked up my back, and my body has slowly gone downhill from that. Sucks.

I still haven't weighed myself. I'm thinking I will do that on Monday. Oh, wait, make that Tuesday, since I have the day off work on Monday. So Tuesday I'll get back to that.

Still not sure what route we are taking for Halloween this year. Heh, maybe it seems immature, but I just love Halloween. Geisha/samurai? Saloon girl/gunslinger? Mrs. Claus/Santa? There are some super super cute Mrs. Claus costumes out there, and I found a Santa smoking jacket...kind of like if Hugh Hefner were Santa, lol. I'm leaning toward that.

gym, yes; scale, no

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical over lunch and then spent about 20 minutes on the weight machines. I'll try to get to the gym again tonight. However, my husband worked a day shift today, so I might not go. I always feel a little guilty going to the gym when he is home, though I don't think he'd get bent out of shape. It's just that when he's home and working on some project, I feel like I have to get something productive done too.

I decided I'm not going to weight myself until next Monday to give me time to work some of this funeral food off of me.

I ended up eating too much yesterday. Husband wanted spaghetti for dinner, and since he was covered in sweat and dirt and grease from working on the car all day, how could I say no? And I have a HUGE weakness for pasta. I could have had the sauce on broccoli. I should have done that. Oh well.

I have my kids 50% of the time, and it kills me not to have them around. If I had them all the time, I could get them to the gym more. We could do so much more together. It sucks.

back

I can't believe how much I've eaten in the past few days. The past few days have been all about the funeral stuff for my sister-in-law (my sister's partner) who killed herself last Monday. It's so fucking tragic and so fucking sad. During the service, her niece from her side of the family was giving a eulogy and said that she had been the kind of aunt they write about in children's books...loving and crazy and weird. Yeah, that describes her. She was really very warm and accepting and just eccentric enough. My sister is still in shock and a complete wreck. I'm not sure what she's going to do now.

However, I'm still a little mad at my sister too. After the service, my husband and I and another sister and her husband drove out to their farm to assess how bad off the house was and if anything could be saved. My sister and her partner had had this little cabin that they mainly built themselves. The problem was that while I guess it seemed like an attainable dream--your own little cabin in the woods--they really didn't know what they were doing. They'd lived there for about 13 years, I think. I hadn't been out there in years. The cabin just wasn't livable. Improvements they'd tried to make to the cabin were falling apart. Nothing was up to code even remotely. At best, I would say the cabin could have been used for a very rustic hunter's cabin kind of thing. I think it was all just too much for my sister-in-law. She was 57. That's not ancient, but it's kind of past the age when you want to rough it in the woods. So I don't know what my sister is going to do with the land. Since they argued about the state of the cabin the day before she died, she has said she just wants to burn it down. I don't think she needs to do that, but she'll probably just sell the whole deal.

Anyway, about the food. There was food everywhere all the time the last few days. And since kind ladies provided the food and would offer you food with a sad, slight smile because that's what they knew to do during times like these, you had to take the food. It was good food, I'll say that much. And it was a distraction, which was also helpful.

But I think I'll fast today or at the most eat very, very light. My intestines are literally sore from all the work they've had to do. The poor things need a break.

no gym today...and a couple of days

No gym today, so no weigh-in. I need to finish stuff at work since I'll be out for a few days. I had planned to take Thursday and Friday off anyway cuz the husband and I had planned to go out of town. But now I've got a funeral to go to Sunday and family coming in from out of town. We will get to go out of town, but we have to be home early.

I found out a little more about my sister-in-law's suicide. OK, background, my sister and her partner live on 80 acres out in the country in this tiny little cabin. Well, I guess my s-i-l broke through the floor because it was all rotten and moldy. They were in the process of tearing up the floor when they got into a bad argument (about the floor and money, apparently). They couldn't stay at the cabin, and they were mad at each other, so they decided they would stay at separate hotels...and well, the rest I've blogged about.

You know what? I get it. I totally get why my s-i-l did it. The cabin is most likely a goner right now. The entire floor was moldy and wrecked, so there's no way they could get it to liveable again, I'm sure. It's probably been a total wreck for a while now. I can understand how my s-i-l felt completely overwhelmed and hopeless about her environment.

In my head, I'm so furious with my sister. She's always been so unreliable and irresponsible and flakey. She probably knew about how bad the cabin was but didn't care that it was having such an effect on her partner. I love my sister, but she is so fucking selfish. Their state of living probably didn't matter to her; she's lived in a garbage-strewn house before (when she was living on her own--the whole family had to go over and clean it out once--it was horrible). And she probably didn't care that it was making her partner so depressed.

Well, guess what? Actions have consequences, bitches.