For fucks sake....

I feel like a fucking whale...a sick whale. I haven't gotten my fat fucking ass to the gym in about 2 weeks and have been eating like a pig. And I feel like shit. Damn. Sucks. Gotta get back to it if it kills me.

wtf i feel like crap

I've been so bad with food and lack of exercise the past week or so. And the upshot is that I feel like complete crap. I'm stiff and achy and headachy and tired and nauseated and feel like I can barely walk. Ironic, isn't it? When I exercise less, I end up feeling like I can barely move.

So it's back to the gym today, even though I'm so fucking busy at work that I should really just work through my lunch (like I had to yesterday).

soon fridays will be gym days

But not this Friday, as I have a half day of work today. This is the last Friday of summer hours at work, though, so next Friday will be a gym day again...until next July.

I didn't eat all that great yesterday...it wasn't bad food in itself, but probably just a bit too much of it. I was going to eat just a little, but then husband wanted me to make dinner for him. He had been busy all day doing porjects around the house...I can hardly refuse him when he's been working all day. And so I made some yummy stuff (I'm not a bad cook, if I do say so myself) and couldn't resist. Oh well. And this weekend I'm taking the kids to the fair, so that will be more bad food. Eh, at least there will be a ton of walking around to counteract it.

My sister (the one whose partner killed herself recently) is trying to arrange a working party at her farm/cabin for tomorrow. I know husband and I should go and help out, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by it already. I think she thinks all it will take to make the cabin liveable is a couple days of hard work. But that is what got her in this position in the first place! There is only so much people can do before professionals need to be called in. The cabin has no foundation, pretty much, which is why the floor became a mess of rot and mold. The roof portion of the cabin is patched up half-assed, so I'm sure a ton of water got in that way too. So I'm not sure what we'll do about tomorrow. Plus, I've got my kids, and I hate to have to leave them the whole day...no way am I going to bring them to help. It's such a mess out there that I would worry about their safety.

summer's gone

Summer might be gone, but our pool is still open. The husband and I got in a swim last night. Oh, the joys of having a heated pool. But I'm sure we'll be closing the pool by the end of this month. Always makes me a little sad.

So food the past two days have been pretty good. I didn't keep total track...I've got to get back to that.

Wednesday, I did my over-lunch-hour workout at the gym, 30 minutes on the elliptical and then about 20 minutes on the weight machines, trying to target abs and back. I didn't get to the gym Wednesday after work because the husband and I had some errands to run. Today, I did a yoga class over lunch. I really enjoy yoga. I wish I could find a class as hard as I used to do when I taught yoga...I was in the best shape of my life then and working out only like 3 or 4 times a week...and eating more than I am now. But then I fucked up my back, and my body has slowly gone downhill from that. Sucks.

I still haven't weighed myself. I'm thinking I will do that on Monday. Oh, wait, make that Tuesday, since I have the day off work on Monday. So Tuesday I'll get back to that.

Still not sure what route we are taking for Halloween this year. Heh, maybe it seems immature, but I just love Halloween. Geisha/samurai? Saloon girl/gunslinger? Mrs. Claus/Santa? There are some super super cute Mrs. Claus costumes out there, and I found a Santa smoking jacket...kind of like if Hugh Hefner were Santa, lol. I'm leaning toward that.

gym, yes; scale, no

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical over lunch and then spent about 20 minutes on the weight machines. I'll try to get to the gym again tonight. However, my husband worked a day shift today, so I might not go. I always feel a little guilty going to the gym when he is home, though I don't think he'd get bent out of shape. It's just that when he's home and working on some project, I feel like I have to get something productive done too.

I decided I'm not going to weight myself until next Monday to give me time to work some of this funeral food off of me.

I ended up eating too much yesterday. Husband wanted spaghetti for dinner, and since he was covered in sweat and dirt and grease from working on the car all day, how could I say no? And I have a HUGE weakness for pasta. I could have had the sauce on broccoli. I should have done that. Oh well.

I have my kids 50% of the time, and it kills me not to have them around. If I had them all the time, I could get them to the gym more. We could do so much more together. It sucks.

back

I can't believe how much I've eaten in the past few days. The past few days have been all about the funeral stuff for my sister-in-law (my sister's partner) who killed herself last Monday. It's so fucking tragic and so fucking sad. During the service, her niece from her side of the family was giving a eulogy and said that she had been the kind of aunt they write about in children's books...loving and crazy and weird. Yeah, that describes her. She was really very warm and accepting and just eccentric enough. My sister is still in shock and a complete wreck. I'm not sure what she's going to do now.

However, I'm still a little mad at my sister too. After the service, my husband and I and another sister and her husband drove out to their farm to assess how bad off the house was and if anything could be saved. My sister and her partner had had this little cabin that they mainly built themselves. The problem was that while I guess it seemed like an attainable dream--your own little cabin in the woods--they really didn't know what they were doing. They'd lived there for about 13 years, I think. I hadn't been out there in years. The cabin just wasn't livable. Improvements they'd tried to make to the cabin were falling apart. Nothing was up to code even remotely. At best, I would say the cabin could have been used for a very rustic hunter's cabin kind of thing. I think it was all just too much for my sister-in-law. She was 57. That's not ancient, but it's kind of past the age when you want to rough it in the woods. So I don't know what my sister is going to do with the land. Since they argued about the state of the cabin the day before she died, she has said she just wants to burn it down. I don't think she needs to do that, but she'll probably just sell the whole deal.

Anyway, about the food. There was food everywhere all the time the last few days. And since kind ladies provided the food and would offer you food with a sad, slight smile because that's what they knew to do during times like these, you had to take the food. It was good food, I'll say that much. And it was a distraction, which was also helpful.

But I think I'll fast today or at the most eat very, very light. My intestines are literally sore from all the work they've had to do. The poor things need a break.

no gym today...and a couple of days

No gym today, so no weigh-in. I need to finish stuff at work since I'll be out for a few days. I had planned to take Thursday and Friday off anyway cuz the husband and I had planned to go out of town. But now I've got a funeral to go to Sunday and family coming in from out of town. We will get to go out of town, but we have to be home early.

I found out a little more about my sister-in-law's suicide. OK, background, my sister and her partner live on 80 acres out in the country in this tiny little cabin. Well, I guess my s-i-l broke through the floor because it was all rotten and moldy. They were in the process of tearing up the floor when they got into a bad argument (about the floor and money, apparently). They couldn't stay at the cabin, and they were mad at each other, so they decided they would stay at separate hotels...and well, the rest I've blogged about.

You know what? I get it. I totally get why my s-i-l did it. The cabin is most likely a goner right now. The entire floor was moldy and wrecked, so there's no way they could get it to liveable again, I'm sure. It's probably been a total wreck for a while now. I can understand how my s-i-l felt completely overwhelmed and hopeless about her environment.

In my head, I'm so furious with my sister. She's always been so unreliable and irresponsible and flakey. She probably knew about how bad the cabin was but didn't care that it was having such an effect on her partner. I love my sister, but she is so fucking selfish. Their state of living probably didn't matter to her; she's lived in a garbage-strewn house before (when she was living on her own--the whole family had to go over and clean it out once--it was horrible). And she probably didn't care that it was making her partner so depressed.

Well, guess what? Actions have consequences, bitches.

Down for the day, in spite of feasting yesterday

I weighed in at 141.8 today. I did get in another workout with the kids last night. 20 minutes on the elliptical and then about 25 minutes on the various weight machines. But then I kind of feasted when we all got home. It was kind of fun, though. We all kind of grazed on tasty stuff we had in the fridge and watched this silly reality show on tv, Scream Queens. Lol, I have to say it's an amusing show.

Today I did 45 minutes on the elliptical. I think I will get to the gym again tonight. Or not. I have to stop by the Ex's house to tell my kids about the death of their aunt. That's going to be hard. It's still all so sad.

I'm not planning on eating much today, though. Maybe make some broccoli soup. Maybe have some tuna and cottage cheese. Just light stuff.

such sad news

My sister-in-law committed suicide yesterday. I just found out. I'm in shock. She was my sister's partner, and they had been together for 22 years. Apparently they had been arguing about money and decided to spend the night apart. She overdosed in a hotel room. It's so sad. She was a kind, loving, funny, wonderful woman. My kids adored her. I just feel so confused by it all.

I guess this may be all a bit off-topic for this blog, but I'll offer this for anyone who is reading: My husband and I have a no-fighting policy. Meaning, we don't fight about anything, ever. It started as a joke new year's resolution just before 2009. That January, I recall starting to get upset by something and about to argue with my husband. I stopped and said to myself, "OMG, you can't even make it a month?!?" So whatever it was I was upset about, I just dropped it. And the next time something came up, I dropped it again. Soon, I realized that 99% of the stupid shit we had fought about was just stupid shit I was letting get the better of me. I realized that ultimately my husband and I are on the same team, and arguing with your team mate is always counterproductive. I, probably for the first time in my life, learned how to trust someone completely.

I don't know what really happened between my sister and her partner, but I do know that no argument is worth taking your life.

Yo-yo

I weighed in at 142.2 today. That's 0.5 up from Thursday. OK, so I did eat a lot at this birthday party we went to Saturday night. And the drinking. Oh yeah, and I did have McDonald's late Friday night. Not so good food-wise this weekend. But I did get in a workout Sunday night. My son was nice enough to hit the gym with me. He's a sweetie.

I did a cardio kickboxing class over lunch. I used to do this class all the time, but it tended to irritate my already bad lower back. However, there is only so much of the elliptical I can take. Gotta switch things up now and then. It was a good workout, for sure...we'll just have to wait and see what this does to my back, though. I plan to get in another workout tonight with the kids.

So Friday night we had this guy we know over, along with his girlfriend and his 16-year-old son. The guy and his son are odd ducks, but we like them. The girlfriend was a piece of work! We had cleaned the house before they got there (though it was in good shape anyway), yet the FIRST thing out of this woman's mouth when she stepped into my door was this little conversation:

Woman: Do you have a cleaning lady?
Me: [laughing at the thought of it] No.
Woman: Well, I clean houses on the side just as an independent, and I just saw that you had dust.

I was stunned! I mean, what kind of person comes into someone's home and points out dust?!?! Good thing she was kind of a trainwreck all-around; I mean, at least we got some good stories to tell out of the evening lol.

Not good on the food thing yesterday

Well, I'm working a half day again today, so probably no gym. I love these half-day Fridays, but they do cut on the gym time. They are only a summer thing though. Come September they will be history until next summer.

I gotta keep myself honest here. My food intake was ultra horrible shitty yesterday. I was gonna eat only like four potato chips..but that turned into a handful, which turned into another handful, which turned into...OMG it was horrible. I injested so much salt and fat. At one point, I just plain stopped enjoying it. I was just so mad at myself. I was really thirsty too and gulped down enough water to drown a horse. Yikes almighty, my tummy was bloated and hurting by the time I went to bed.

Well, I guess it's a lesson learned. I may crave that salty fatty crispness, but it makes me miserable. I don't need that in my life.

I just may fast today because, believe it or not, I still feel stuffed from yesterday.

It's a mystery

I thought for sure I was going to be up again today, but I weighed in at 141.7. I upped my vitamin D intake and added this other supplement I just got in the mail. Maybe that has something to do with it, maybe not. At this point, I feel clueless. But I'm happy the number is down, anyway.

I did a yoga class over lunch. I really love yoga, especially really hard yoga. However, I have to be so flippin' careful with my back. It's much better than it has been the last few years; but today during class I could feel it starting to "slip." Not sure how else to describe it. It's like my hips get pulled because the muscles that hold them in alignment get stressed and can't hold on. And then my lower back gets sore, stiff, and very weak. It really sucks, because if your lower back is crappy, your workout is crappy too.

Food intake yesterday was OK. I had maybe 40 or 50 calories worth of raw spinach (wow, that stuff is low-cal), 80 calories of cottage cheese, and two slices of pizza...OK that last  part wasn't the best, but they weren't big pieces. I'm gonna guess high and say it was maybe 600 calories of pizza. So that would be 730 calories for the day. I think that calorie level is fine for me, but I could have gotten those calories in a better way, for sure. Heck, I could have had six cans of tuna instead of the pizza, lol.

I'm gonna try to get in another workout tonight. Hopefully one of my kids will want to go to the gym with me.

Back up...seriously, I must have like no metabolism whatsoever

For the love of fucky fuck. I am back up to 142.3 today. So I don't work out for 5 days and eat pretty normally, and I gain 0.4 lbs. Just fucking great. If my metabolism were any slower, I'd be clinically dead.

Worked out over lunch. Did the elliptical for 45 minutes. I won't be able to work out tonight, though.

My frustration is so high right now. Maybe I should cut out carbs...well, except for broc & spinach & the occassional fruit. But breads and pasta and rice and chips have got to go. Maybe I've got to shake up the routine. Figure out some kind of intense weight training? Put together a killer yoga sequence?

Start again....

I ate over the weekend...not horrible, not great. It could have been a lot worse. I never stuffed myself beyond recognition.

However, I was super busy at work Monday and Tuesday and could not get to the gym. Yes, I could have gone both evenings, but I was so tired. I know, that's a BS excuse because working out always makes me feel more energetic afterward, but I just couldn't get motivated. Back on the wagon today!

another friday

I won't be able to get to the gym today, so no weigh-in. I work a half-day again and will be doing stuff with the husband this afternoon. Maybe we'll end up finally tackling the garage. Yuck. I hate any and all outdoors work. I'd rather scrub toilets than clean the garage or do yard work. If I can get out of cleaning the garage today, I'll clean the house.

I was really depressed yesterday because of my stalled weight. I just really don't get it. I got in seven good workouts this week so far (was at the gym over lunch yesterday and did yoga and was at the gym last night and did 25 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes of the weight machines). Yesterday I ate about 110 calories worth of brocolli and a small portion of this chicken enchilada thing. OMG it was so tasty. I'll guess it was about 500 calories? Oh and then I had a half cup of yogurt, so 105 calories there. So I'm guessing about 715 calories total for the day, and that felt like a binge compared with what I ate the rest of the week. I should be down about 1.5 lbs. for the week, but instead I am only down 0.3 lbs. And I got really frustrated last night because I just don't know what I am doing wrong.

However, when I got dressed this morning, I put on a pair of "low-weight/skinny" jeans. The denim is really stretchy and usually is quite tight on me...to the point I will generally only wear them with a large shirt to hang over most my body. But this morning...wow, they weren't tight at all...almost almost almost what you would call loose. Cool.

So I don't know. Maybe something is working...maybe I'm doing this all wrong and fucking up my body...maybe it will be OK...maybe I'll look shitty forever...I just don't know at this point.

wtf, really

I weighed in at fucking 141.9 again. Seriously, how the fuck is that even possible? I got in only one workout yesterday over lunch and burned 420 calories (Wednesday nights are generally busy for me), but I only ate like 600 calories: lettuce, 1 cup of cottage cheese, 3 hard-boiled eggs, 1 can of tuna, 1/4 nectarine. That was it for the whole fucking day, and I was fucking starving and miserable. But I told myself that my hunger level was still adjusting, that I would feel better in the morning, and that my number on the scale would go down. By a conservative estimate, I should have been down .4 lb today. Gah! WTF! Pisses me off! I just don't get it.

Getting there

Well, the scale budged...a little. I weighed in at 141.9.

Last night, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical and then about 25 minutes on the weight machines. Today over lunch, I did 45 minutes on the elliptical. My food intake yesterday was good, too. About 550 calories between a salad of lettuce, tuna, and cottage cheese and a can of tomato soup.

My hunger tries to get the better of me, but then I think long and hard about my goals. Today I began thinking about halloween and what ultra-cute costume I could wear if I were at a lower weight. You see, my husband and I love halloween. And we run with a crowd who also loves to dress up for halloween. In fact, the people we see on the weekends...well, they are older (like my husband and me), but there's a lot of subtle judgment on physical appearance. So I wanna be the Skinny Girl...so sue me.

OK calming down

Reading others' blogs helps with the disappointment of not losing weight faster. Again, I just wish I could find the blogs of some older ladies, such as myself. It would be nice to be able to relate a bit more. I do appreciate any blogs though. However, it's been a long time since I've been, say, in college or under my parents' collective thumb. My husband tends to be very hands-off when it comes to my eating, so I have no one to answer to but myself. Which is nice.

Stalled

I weighed in at 142.2 again today. How is that possible? I ate about 300 calories yesterday (1/4 cup feta cheese and 1/2 cup cottage cheese, and the rest in broc, spinach, and lettuce) and burned about 650 between my two workouts. By my calculations, I should have lost about half a pound.

Well, I could get discouraged or I can stare down my fat belly and growl "So that's how you gonna play that, muthafucka?" I'll keep weighing myself daily, still restrict like made, still burn at least 400 calories through cardio. My body WILL behave.

Up but not out

I ate horribly both Friday and Saturday...chips, booze, subs, brats...ick. I ended up fasting Sunday and not even feeling hungry in the least. In fact, it's about 2 in the afternoon Monday and I'm still not hungry.

I did 45 minutes on the elliptical over lunch and weighed in at 142.2. So that's 0.1 over what I was Friday, but after the weekend, I'll take that. I'm gonna restrict like crazy this week. I so wanna get into the 130s.

Friday night was my 25-year high school reunion. I am so so so glad I'd dropped a bit of weight already. I'm far from my goal, but I have to admit, compared to a lot of the women there, I looked pretty darned good. Several people commented how I "didn't have a single wrinkle" (well, I do, but it's a combo of being blessed with good skin and the use of olive oil--the best moisturizer I've found). Plus, I was wearing shorts that hadn't fit me in two years. I felt...kind of pretty. It was nice.

And my husband was a hit, lol. Here's the thing about my husband: Women love him. It's not a looks thing, though I think he's very handsome. He has this ability to make any woman he's talking to feel beautiful and special. And he does it in a way that's very respectful...almost protective. He's an old-school guy at heart: he's very much a gentleman, but also quite masculine. And it doesn't matter if the woman he's talking to is 18 years old or 40 years old or 70 years old, they all react the same way. It's like he can bring out the twinkle in any woman's eye. I'm not the jealous type, so for me, it's fun to watch women react that way to him.

Anyway, I'm really loving reading a lot of the blogs on this site, though I wish I could find some of women more like my age. I am fine with the younger bloggers, but it would be nice to have a peer also.

No gym today

Well, I won't be able to get to the gym today, so I won't be able to weigh myself. I work a half-day today, and my husband is home, and I'll probably end up helping him with household projects all afternoon. And then we have that party tonight. He works tomorrow, so I'll be able to get in some gym time then.

Yesterday was another good food day. Probably around 400 calories, and that is estimating high. Though I didn't get a chance to get a second workout in. Oh well. I hope to make up for it on Saturday.

I don't watch that stupid Rachel Ray show, but it's sometimes on when I'm at the gym over lunch, so I kind of see it out of the corner of my eye and sometimes read the closed captions. They often have some segment about dressing well "at any size" where they take some big fatty with horrible clothes and put her in decent clothes. OK, that's all well and good, but anyone can see she's still a big fatty, she just doesn't also look like complete shit. These segments bug me because they give women the message that it doesn't matter what your size is, you can still be cute and fashionable. OMG, what a friggin' lie. A skinny model wearing a dirty burlap sack is going to look a million times better than a whale wearing Dolce & Gabbana any day of the week. Deep down, we all know this!

I'm a little worried about this party I'm going to. I am notoriously bad with food at parties, because I just graze and graze and graze. It's like if it's there, I have to put it in my mouth. Wish me luck.

Down, down, baby

I weighed in at 142.1 today! Something's working!

I decided to skip the elliptical and instead did a yoga class for my lunchtime workout. I just couldn't face the elliptical. Well, it's not that I couldn't face the elliptical; I couldn't face the thought of watching ESPN for 45 minutes. The gym near my work is kinda limited for TV stations, and there is only so much ESPN I can take.

I can tell my strength has improved, because so much in the yoga class was easier than when I was doing it every week. It's still a good workout, though. In fact, when I hit my LW (124), it was when I was teaching a fitness  yoga class three mornings a week. But then, I was a friggin' yoga nazi. My routines were brutal...this wasn't your grandma's yoga. Sadly, I injured my back about seven years ago, and for a number of reasons, it just got progressively worse, which I believe was a factor in my weight gain. I just couldn't move around as much without pain, so I used my back muscles less, which made them weaker, which made it harder to move around, lather, rinse, repeat. But since May, I've been working on back strengthening stuff, and it has helped loads. I used to wake up in the morning barely able to get out of bed. Now, I just hop out, no problem.

Food intake for yesterday was OK. I ate a bunch of raw brocalli and raw spinach (as much as I could stomach...I was feeling kind of weak and nauseated...probably about 1.5 cups of each). I had about 3/4 cup of veggie soup and about a cup of a ground turkey/rice thing. I finished that with 2 slices of deli ham and 1 slice of deli turkey and 15 of these little whole-wheat cracker things. Probably the whole thing was under 700 calories, maybe under 600 calories.

Tonight I have to go clothes shopping for a party my husband and I are going to Friday. It's a Hawaiian theme, and I own nothing like that. I hope it doesn't take long, because I'd like to go to the gym tonight, as I know I'll be able to go only once tomorrow too.

Added a ticker

I just added a weight-loss ticker to my blog. I weighed 153 in mid-May when I got up the courage to get a physical. I'm on a daily medication, and my prescription had run out. The only way I could get it refilled was by going in. Believe me, I avoided it as long as I could. I was out of my meds for a couple weeks. And while my meds aren't needed for survival, they make my life much, much nicer. So I bit the bullet and went in. Being over 150 just depressed the living hell out of me and sent me into a three-day fast. It also got me to up my exercise greatly. So all in all, it wasn't a bad thing, but it was painful.

blue-speckled pills

Last night I did a second workout at the gym: 25 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes doing various weight machines. I upped the weight on the twisty obliques machine, and my sides were sore this morning. Gotta love that.

I went to the gym over lunch today and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. I weighed in at 142.5, so I guess that is a 0.1 pound loss. Considering my calories for yesterday, I would have liked to see a bigger drop, but I suppose anything down is better than up.

Yesterday I had about a cup of raw spinach with some balsamic vinegar and two bowls of broccali soup. I made the soup myself. I just steamed a bunch of broccali and then put it in the blender with water, 1/2 cup of milk, and some spices. I also had 1/2 cup of feta cheese with the soup, because feta cheese is yummy.

I won't be able to get in a second workout today because I have a concert this evening. I play the clarinet in a community band. We have our rehearsals and most of our concerts on Wednesdays, so Wednesdays will have to be one-workout days for me. I wish I could figure out how to get in a workout before work, but I really need to leave my house so early most mornings as it is (like by 6:30 am).

I'm not feeling very hungry right now, but I have to say that I miss miss miss phentermine. I took it way back when you could get it at a fairly reasonable price online with no prescription. I've looked into it now, and most places charge way too much and are a scam anyway. I wish I knew a doctor who would hook me up. Phentermine is the freakin' bomb, baby. On phentermine, I would literally forget about food, like I would forget that food even existed. There was zero hunger, only a sensation of euphoria. That stuff is magic.

Water weight

Yesterday I did 40 minutes on the elliptical over my lunch hour (I'm lucky I work a block and a half away from a gym), and then in the evening I took the kids to the gym again (I have one close to my house too) and did about 20 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on various weight machines. Today I did 45 minutes on the elliptical over lunch. I plan to hit the gym again tonight too.

My weight today was 142.6. No way did I lose 3.4 pounds overnight, so I'm just going with the thought that I was puffy with water yesterday. It makes sense because I was at a wedding reception/picnic/bbq on Saturday and ate a metric ton of tortilla chips. Salty fatty crunchy is my downfall. It's funny, I could sit next to a big slice of cake all day and not be bothered by it, but put a bowl full of potato chips within ten feet of me, and I'm driven to distraction.

Yesterday, all I ate was two hard-boiled eggs over about two cups of raw spinach and about a half cup of raw broccali. On top of all that I put about three tablespoons of balsamic vinegar. It must be all the vitamins sustaining me, because I don't feel hungry at all right now.

So, yeah, I take my kids with me to the gym whenever possible. I only have them half-time; the other half they live with the Ex and his fat-ass bitch of a wife. (Ha! The joys of an anonymous blog! Being able to tell it like it is!) My daughter is 12 and my son is 14. Both are in pretty good shape, the girl moreso than the boy because she's also in swimming, an hour and a half three times a week.

But I've got them both working out now. I don't want to mess up their heads about their appearance, but I do want them to understand the truth, especially since adults generally lie to kids about such things. Truth is, you get treated differently depending on your appearance. I remember when I first gained a bunch of weight. It was during the year after I met the Ex. I had gained about 20 to 25 pounds. And all of a sudden I realized that people...how shall I put this?...people (especially men) no longer found me interesting or intelligent or worth listening to. It was like I had disappeared. People were much less likely to go out of their way to be nice to me, even on little things like holding a door open for me or smiling at me or engaging me in idle conversation in the line at the grocery store. I don't want my kids ever to go through that.

Entry #1: Fear of the Scale

Here's my first entry. I have wanted to blog for a while, but I told myself I had to weigh myself before I could do it. I have this huge fear of the scale. I've actually put off doctor's appointments for months because I hate getting weighed. But now I have stats so I can monitor my progress. FWIW, I'm  43 years old and 5'7".

CW: 146
HW: 184 (years ago about 3 months after my daughter was born)
LW: 124 (about 7 or 8 years ago)
GW: 120

I'll be blogging about my weight loss journey mostly, but also about my life in general.